The Buddha teaches in the Dhammapada, verses 1.4-1.6:
“I was wronged! I was hurt! I was defeated! I was robbed!”
If I turn away from such thoughts, I may find peace.In this world, hatred has never been defeated by hatred.
Only love can overcome hatred.
This is an ancient and eternal law.Everything will end.
When I understand this, all quarrels fade away.
Yesterday we discussed that forgiveness means “making space for the new”.
When we stop dragging our past into the present, we literally have the power to create miracles, to transform the negative into something positive.
Here’s a little something I’ve learned by watching others, as well as myself in the past, as we attempt forgiveness. Being stuck in the lower 3 chakras of self, we often unknowingly bring conditionality to the table. I’ll use a situation my father in-law has found himself in an example here …
For some reason, unbeknownst as to why, a feud has developed with his brother. He’s confronted his brother about it, genuinely wanting to understand and make it right. But his brother is holding some big grudge, and refuses to clearly state or discuss the reasons behind it. His childish reply is “Well, you should know why!” In my mind, the reasons behind the grudge are likely something his brother can’t even put into words, because if he were to acknowledge the pain deep down, it probably has little if anything to do with my father-in-law, his brother. Even their aging mother has implored that he make up with his brother, but to no avail.
I rather pity my father inlaw’s brother! Ah, but to quote the Buddha:
“Pity is a near enemy to true compassion! As is attachment to love, and indifference to equanimity, balance of mind and an open heart.”
Most of us would think that forgiveness has to be a two way street. What I’m telling you today is that is does not.
When we walk into a situation “anew”, with open forgiveness, we DO NOT expect that the other person acknowledge our pureness of heart. Maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. Lucky for us if they do! But if we walk in expecting them to acknowledge our “coming around”, that’s conditional. I’ve seen people offer up forgiveness, only to have it refuted or ignored, resulting in the “forgiving” one, storming off in a huge huff.
Unfortunately, in needing reciprocal forgiveness, we’ve totally given away all our power of unconditional love!
What can we do, when the person from whom we seek forgiveness, just isn’t interested? Or they’ve moved far out of our life? Do we track them down like a stalker so we can literally “get the pain off our chest”? Or worse yet, what if the person begging our forgiveness is deceased??
The only person we can change is ourselves! What matters most is that YOU have forgiven yourself!
This is exactly the work I did through Debbie Ford’s 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse.
It all came out on paper. It called forth alot of honesty and alot of tears. And then I was able to let it go, without hardly a soul knowing I’d done my own internal work at forgiving self and forgiving many others. I didn’t need to advertise it. In some situations, I did begin working to clear things up, and in others, I simply had to let it go, knowing my own heart is open, if and when the time arises for them to accept my forgiveness. As hard as it may be, we have to learn to forgive & forget. I can honestly say I do not hold a grudge against anyone. And I work in the present to keep it that way.
Debbie writes: “Resentments and grudges are two of the main culprits that perpetuate cycles of self-abuse and victimhood. Stowed away inside you like parasites, they deplete you of your God-given life force and separate you from your inherent worth, your joy and the love in your heart. Releasing the invisible ties to those who have left you, betrayed you, disappointed you or hurt you, you open up to higher realms of love, peace and joy. Without forgiving them and cutting the cords of resentment, you continue to be imprisoned by the very people you’ve spent years (or a lifetime) trying to get away from and you are bound to the incidents that caused the resentment in the first place.”
“As you say good-bye to the grief, resentments and disappointments that shape your thoughts, that create your feelings, that cause you to react instead of act, to fight instead of surrender, to shut down instead of open up, to push away rather than allow in, and to judge instead of love – as you say goodbye to all this, you will discover that every person, situation and painful incident comes bearing gifts. All you have to do is ask God to give you access to a larger perspective.”
Cleansing Ritual:
- Identify the grudges, resentments & disappointments you have been carrying around.
- Calculate how long you’ve been holding onto them.
- Identify the cost of holding on to them. Do they cot you energy, vitality, self-esteem, intimacy.
- Tracing your grudges back to specific incidences, identify how you took personally the hurt these caused you.
- If these experiences were designed to deliver you some wisdom or a gift, what would that be?
- Allow yourself to see what would become available to you if you allowed God to take your grudges away from you. What could open up in your life that isn’t open right now?
- Write a letter expressing your feelings and ask God or your highest self to release you from the prison of resentment, grudges and disappointments. You can even go so far as to put a stamp on it, and drop it in a mailbox 🙂
Lighten your heart today, and please forgive someone, even if only yourself <3
