“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Buddha
So I awoke angry this morning, from a bit of an altercation I ran into yesterday … An infrequent, yet quite human emotion and experience. And I had to chuckle … The sun looks like a fire burning beneath the morning rain clouds. And that’s exactly how anger feels … Like holding onto a hot burning sun.
There are still a few things that are bound to push my buttons. I’ve come to be mindful of them: Being called or considered “those people” always gets my ire up. Having my help or advice asked for, then specifically having that help “corrected”. Being interrupted while I’m in thought. People infringing on my space or property without any consideration. Not feeling heard (I’ve written about this one before). And then who doesn’t get mad when we are outright insulted, even if the insult rings true. And being told not to be angry – something I was often told as a child – this will almost always make me angrier! I am grateful to my practice, as through breath, and this writing, I will be able to release it.
The Buddha said that no one can make us angry if the seed of anger is not in our hearts. The truth is, we all have some anger in us. Even the Dalai Lama says he gets angry as does the Vietnamese Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. The difference is that these two sages know what to do with their anger. Intense angry feelings don’t automatically become unhealthy or destructive or drive negative actions.
In his book “Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames”, Thich Nhat Hanh writes “The Buddha never advised us to suppress our anger. Our attitude is to take good care of anger. Just like our organs, our anger is part of us. We don’t suppress or hate it, or run away from it. We just breathe gently and cradle our anger in our arms with the utmost tenderness.”
He advises not to hide our anger. It is very important that we let the other person know that we are angry and that we suffer. In love, there is no pride. To deny anger is to be prideful. While it is an ordinary tendency to deny it, or walk away from it, Hanh says this is not wisdom. Happiness is not an individual matter. It we are not happy, it is not possible for those around us to be happy either. Both happiness and anger are to be shared.
Hanh suggests carrying three pebbles in our pockets to remind us of these three sentences that can be useful when we find ourselves seething …
1. Darling, I am angry and I suffer.
Try our best to say this peacefully. Just as we share joy, it is important that we share our misunderstandings. This is the basis for trust. Do not let this go for more than 24 hours. Write a peace note if you cannot speak calmly.
2. I am doing my best.
This is your commitment to take good care of your anger. Your mindfulness practice. As anger is born from ignorance or wrong perception, we are committing to seeing how we have been deceived. Not denying it, but looking at it with fresh eyes. Knowing that we have created our own anger.
3. Please help me.
Although the tendency may be to shut down, maybe even saying the opposite “Don’t touch me! Leave me alone!”, we need to ask for help. In this way, we demonstrate our love and faithfulness to the other person. We can now hope to see the errors of our ways, allowing each of us to apologize if necessary, and right our actions. Change the flow of the river. Emotions occur quickly; moods linger longer. These temporary states of mind are conditioned, and therefore can be reconditioned.
If we handle our anger in this way, Hanh promises that we will inspire confidence and respect in the other person, and in ourselves. Through self-discipline and practice, negativity can be transformed into positivity and freedom and self-mastery achieved.
So this is my first time reading Hanh’s book, although I’ve had it for quite a while. I’m going now, to go find three pebbles to carry with me in times that I might feel challenged. And I’ve just memorized these three sentences. I may write them down and carry them with me. I won’t need them often, but for those times that I do, they will be there … ❤
Are you mindful of what get’s your ire up? And could these pebbles and sentences help you out as well ? Peace!
