“God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”
So it’s overcast today! Will I obsesses on wishing for sunshine, while neglecting to bring an umbrella? Surely not. Yet this is exactly what we so often do in life: We focus on what we can’t change, while ignoring what we can ….
Yesterday, a note from a friend prompted me to consider the steps I’ve taken to begin to find peace from within …. It’s been a long haul. What are we actually responsible for? As woman, mothers, owners of businesses, wives, girlfriends, daughters, we are taught that we must take care of other people. And men too: Society and our media often show men helping the damsel in distress or being solely responsible as the financial foundation for their family.
Melanie Tonia Evans writes: “Our society has it backwards. We’ve been taught that our happiness depends on how we perceive life outside of ourselves. This is insanity because in reality we have no control over anything that isn’t us. This attitude to life has always kept us in pain. The truth of the matter is – we can choose to be happy and self-fulfilled regardless of what is happening on the outside.”
An authority on relationships, Melanie suggests that the human disease of ‘co-dependency’ is widespread. It’s very important to realize that when we’re trying to change our outer life and are not congruently honoring ourselves, we are acting co-dependently. When we’re trying to fix life and other people, we’re in a position where this can hurt us.
It can be a very frightening, yet enlightening, exercise to identify yourself as a ‘fixer’ ….
Head over to Melonie’s site (link at the bottom) and read through the 23 questions.
I for one can say I was a fixer most of my life. It is only through the practice of mindfulness and yoga that I could begin to see when the impulse “to fix” would arise. Just yesterday, I had at least 3 very specific instances where I was called upon “to fix” something. And I didn’t bite. I shared an ear and my own experience, and then let it go. This is all I have to give. I can’t make people happier or take my advice. I can’t make people want to keep their own calendars. I can’t make my Mom and Dad plan an anniversary party, and I can’t change how they’ll feel about me if I am unable or ultimately decide not to attend.
So, what are we actually responsible for? We are responsible for ourselves; We are not responsible for others. Does this mean we do not care about others? Of course not. It simply means we give others the respect of being responsible for their own lives, and we give ourselves the same respect of being responsible for our lives. Easier said than done, isn’t it?
Today, if this message resonates with you, I pray that you’ll begin the path to freedom, to developing mindfulness. No-one else is going to provide you with the guarantee of happiness and safety, and you can’t offer it to others. This job is yours and theirs alone. And until you step up to the plate, other people, situations and life will inevitably cause you suffering. And as a living example, I promise that it’ll get easier once you begin focusing on the only person who we can change. Ourselves.
Resources:
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependency-issues.htm
http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/control_and_responsibility.htm
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11000.Eight_Mindful_Steps_to_Happiness
